Dominic Cummings, the Chief Advisor to the Prime Minister, has announced that he will aim to make contact with the Coronavirus using telepathy.
Cummings, who is currently self-isolating after experiencing symptoms of Covid 19, released a statement on Friday in which he outlined his plans. Cummings said “I’ll find out what it wants and attempt to make it see reason” He went on, “I can bring to a halt this global pandemic with the use of my superior mind and the power of telepathy, a science which, although poorly understood by a cretinous mainstream academia, is rightly praised in the specialist think tanks that I’m member of.”
He went on, ‘My radical use of telepathy to mediate between mankind and the Coronavirus is just the sort out-of-the-box thinking that I’m trying to encourage in this government. It’s not the sort of thing you’re going to get from the current Civil Service, all of whom only studied history and know nothing about the sciences, unlike me who also only studied history and knows nothing about the sciences but has nevertheless been mugging up on them in the meantime.
Don’t believe me? Then just ask me something. Go on just try it! Anything you like. It’s more than likely I’ll know the answer. If I don’t know the answer then it’s probably because you’ve asked me the wrong sort of question and its more than likely you also work for the Civil Service, since that’s a place where they’re always asking the sort of wrong questions. Now, back to communicating via telepathy with our submicroscopic friend, well this should be straightforward.
Contacting the virus will be easy as my superior brain should naturally appear an attractive interlocutor to an equally superior species like the Coronavirus. I am looking forward to it and can only begin to imagine what it must be like connecting to such a advanced being, I am sure it will be a huge privilege for the Coronavirus.’
Friends of Cummings have however expressed concern that there are very real risks involved in establishing a telepathic link with the Coronavirus.
Giles Weakling, a recent sociology graduate and one of Dominic Cumming’s young hand-picked advisors said: ‘Look if Dom just goes in there and is his usual charming self then I think the best we can hope for is this virus goes away and only targets disabled people and people with very low IQs and then at least it would support some of our policy aims.’
Another adviser to Cummings was much more concerned about the experiment. ‘Dom’s very brave, you know, but I wonder if he’s gone too far this time. I mean who knows what will happen if he lets the Coronavirus inside that great mind of his, it could meld with him, it could change him. Dom might become more powerful than we could possibly imagine.’