Under-fire Premiership footballers have reassured the public that they are still great entertainment value for their average salary of £57,692 and 31 pence per week – yes, even if you’re shit!
Long accused of getting paid a King’s ransom for ‘just’ kicking a ball around, footballers have recently been alarmed that now the ball has been taken away the public realise they are actually being paid fortunes for doing fuck all.
Premiership footballers have therefore re-branded as top-class comedians and light entertainers. Examples recent zingers are:
- Bleating about how unfair an enforced 30% pay cut is, which would mean you’d still earn the equivalent of Joe Public’s entire life savings in 4 weeks instead of 3! Get it up’em!! Boom Boom!!
- Visiting a ‘friend’ during lockdown, only to crash your Range Rover into a row of parked cars whilst sexting with one hand on the wheel! But don’t forget to remind your adoring Instagram followers to stay at home, only hours before!! Priceless!!!
- Feeling lonely in lockdown? You’re a Premiership footballer and role-model – so throw a party with 2 sex-workers and make sure they sell the story to the tabloids! Wahay!!!
- Perhaps you’re a retired ex-premiership ace? Put on a nice suit, talk shite in a studio then gob a phlegmy greener at a member of the public’s daughter!! Don’t worry, Sky Sports won’t sack you!! Yay, way to go super role-model!!
Stay tuned for more comedy gold coming from the highest paid clowns in the circus folks!