The Government has asked for 20,000 volunteers to join the new “Fun Police” department, to start immediately. Beat officers will receive one nose-warmer (brown), one balloon popper (sharp), and The Right to Remain Smug. Volunteers so far include traffic wardens, employees for the Department for Work and Pensions, and that woman that’s always glaring at you through the blinds when you pop to the shops.
‘People are not taking the current situation seriously, said Matt Hancock. ‘Therefore, we will be issuing the 20,000 new officers with A Licence to Kill Fun, a two-metre long prodding stick, and their own television show in case they don’t feel important enough already.’
When asked if the 20,000 volunteers will count towards the Tory manifesto promise of 20,000 new officers to replace the 20,000 officers they fired already, Hancock replied, ‘Seeing as you’re so concerned, we’re putting extra on your street.’
New activities added to the list of banned fun include: going on the swings when you think no one’s looking, doing the ‘wanker gesture’ at crumb-starved pigeons, and turning your front lawn into a beach using couscous. Hancock has confirmed, however, that pet-owners are still permitted to go dogging once a day, as long as they wash their hands when they get home.