Jeffrey Archer admits blame for Coronavirus

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Wordsmith, fifth Beatle and former Olympic athlete Jeffrey Archer has admitted coronavirus sprang from his award-winningly fertile imagination, and ‘skipped’ from his brain chemistry into a street market he was visiting in China, where he was researching his next novel about a virus that spread through the world, like one he had seen in a TV series in the 70’s and made a note of.

‘I’d planned to set this highly original yarn in America,’ the former Conservative leader and Prime Minister said. ‘The American President is trapped in a web of lies he told the world, the nation, his family and a woman who he paid to urinate on him. It is only when that woman wanted to socially distance herself and her urine from the President that things turn ugly. So the president plans to blame China for the virus, so that China wouldn’t become…er.. president of the USA in the next election. It still needs a little work, if I ever do come to write it, which I suppose I’d better not. I’ll talk to the editorial team.’

Lord Archer explained: ‘Then, in that Chinese supermarket in Soho where I was researching this novel while buying barbecue duck, I felt suddenly light-headed and realised the story had somehow passed through the wall of my brain and skull and was making a run for it, down Gerrard Street. There was nothing I could do. I had imagined the virus so cleverly and quickly that I had unwittingly unleashed it upon an unsuspecting world. On second thoughts, let’s not say Soho. Are there Chinese Supermarkets in Grantchester? I must ask the research team.’

Responding to Archer’s claim, President Trump said ‘I admire the Archers bigly, and have even written to Brian Aldridge because I know things about organic farming. I do. I have also visited Cambridge to see Linda Snell’s grave. But frankly the idea of a virus so powerful that David Archer imagined it when the truth is he has his hands full of lambs, well it’s fake news. I love that show, though. It’s for blind people because you can’t actually see the characters. I still listen. How does that tune go? Tum tee tum tee something. I’m thinking of transferring it to Fox TV, I truly am. It’ll be the same show, but everyone will have guns. And Woman’s Hour will just be five minutes.’

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Posted: Apr 8th, 2020 by

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