Supermarket announces a special Simpleton Hour for those who miss panic-buying

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Supermarket giant, Sainsbury’s, have announced the introduction of a one-hour shopping slot to accommodate the needs of serial imbeciles; people who still have an irresistible urge to panic buy shit they don’t need.

Speaking on TV this morning, the CEO of Sainsbury’s said, “We recognise that there are still thousands of simpletons out there who will literally buy anything we put on the shelf, and would gladly rip the last jar of pasta sauce out the hands of a frail, virus-infected old granny.

Who’d have thought a few weeks ago, that we’d have sold out of our own brand bog roll. Normally we can’t give it away but to see dimwits fighting over it and loading up trolley after trolley, not only warms the cockles but also gave our sale figures a much needed shot in the arm for the last quarter.

So to accommodate their needs, Ray in marketing came up with Simpleton Hour, which we rolled out in our Luton store and it’s going great so far.”

Sid and Rita Corrigan of Dunstable were amongst some of the jostling halfwits who were queuing up this morning, three hours before the store opened.

“It’s an adrenaline boost,” said Sid, as he fought off a pack of single mums in the nappy aisle, “I mean, the big laugh is that me and Rita don’t even have kids.”

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Posted: Apr 9th, 2020 by

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