A senior cabinet minister who preferred not to be named Philip Hammond at this point, has denied being the top level leaker in the Huawei leak scandal
‘As it’s clear I would never do such a thing, I think it’s fair to say it was almost certainly Liam Fox who was the leaker, because nobody really likes him and please don’t print my name,’ said Mr Hammond. But Liam Fox, already in hot water on global warming told friends that he was ‘having quite a long a wee wee’ when the details of the Huawei plans were being discussed and when he came back into the room having scrupulously washed his hands for two minutes, he had a loud ringing in his ears that stopped him from hearing and taking detailed notes which he denies handing to close friends at the Daily Telegraph while being secretly filmed.
Jeremy Wright the Culture Secretary told sources who couldn’t keep their mouths shut that he was ‘thinking about ballet dancers’ when the issues were discussed. Gavin Williamson, the Work-Experience Defence Secretary said he couldn’t have been the leaker because he doesn’t know what leaking is exactly, but he is understood to have divulged the initials ‘PM’ to a newspaper that prefers not to be called the Daily Mail. This leaves detectives from Scotland Yard with a problem as it could mean the Prime Minister or Penny Mordaunt, the International Death Secretary. The letters could also mean Peculiar Man in which case, once again the finger points up Liam Fox.
Savid Javid David has, it’s understood, secretly tried to take charge of the investigation because as Home Secretary he has a duty to prevent crime, including crime he may have committed himself. BBC and ITV have bid to live broadcast the lie detector test which may be needed to unmask the leaker, with Michael Gove throwing his hat into the ring as the masked presenter of the new unreality show that might become a household favourite and rekindle interest in politics.
First though, it’s understood top cop Cressida Dick is to ask all suspects to stand absolutely still in a line in the garden of 10 Downing Street while she stares each in the face and sees how red they go. Ms Dick has pledged to wear ‘her scariest police hat’ for the occasion. It’s understood she told friends in the media that she will ‘go to the ends of the earth’ to conduct a scrupulously fair enquiry and pin the blame on Liam Fox, whether he did it or not.