People all over Britain are starting to question whether Home Secretary Priti Patel has ever really existed. During the Covid-19 crisis there have been fewer reported sightings of Patel than of the Loch Ness Monster and this has led many to wonder whether she is actually the product of their fevered lockdown imagination.
‘I heard someone mention her name the other day and I had to try and remember who she was’ says Edinburgh man John Broom.
‘It’s been so long since I saw her that I had to question whether she really was the Home Secretary or just a character that I vaguely remember from a Charlie Brooker TV show. Or maybe a smirking over-the-top villain that I saw in the trailer for the new Bond movie’.
‘I asked a couple of friends on our Zoom chat and none of them could remember whether Priti Patel was an actual person or a baddie in a kids TV programme from our childhood. I told them I thought she was from a family of immigrants who rose to become Home Secretary, then she wanted to send immigrants back where they came from and even as I was saying it I knew that it sounded a bit implausible. They said I’ve been watching too much Netflix. If only I could remember the name of the actress that played her’.
Eight year-old Meadow Jackson believes that Patel is an imaginary evil spirit invented by her mother to make her behave during the lockdown.
‘Mum says I have to be on my best behaviour and stop getting on her tits all the time’ says Meadow.
‘And if I don’t behave Pritti Patel will sneak into my bedroom when I’m asleep and restrict my freedom of movement and deport gran and grandad back to Jamaica’.
‘She sounds like a total bitch. Thank fuck she doesn’t really exist’.