Bear Grylls is spending lockdown living in his garden, drinking his own piss, eating grass and absolutely loving life.
The adventurer, Chief Scout and TV personality hasn’t been seen by his family since he shouted “Lockdown! Whooooooo!”, took off all his clothes and ran out into the garden a few weeks ago.
“We know he’s OK because the kids went out looking for him the other day and found some fresh droppings.” said Shara, Bear’s wife.
“They had a good look and reported back that he’s getting a decent diet, including some meat. The fact that they can tell that from his shit says a lot about the way he’s raising our children.”
“It also possibly explains why I haven’t seen as many pigeons in the garden as I normally do.”
At a time when many people are reflecting on their life choices Grylls’ family are at least a little glad that they’re not seeing him.
“Can you imagine how smug he would be at the moment?” continued the Born Survivor’s spouse.
“He’d be like ‘Supermarkets out of food? Leave dinner to me.’ and we’d all be eating bugs. ‘Complete breakdown of civilised society? Come live with me in a field.’ No thanks.”
“Hold on, there was a squirrel on that fence a second ago wasn’t there? I’m sure there was. It’s nice that he’s enjoying himself out there.”