The government has stepped into the row as to whether Eamonn Holmes really exists or not. Alok Sharma Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy has taken the unprecedented step of issuing a statement linking the existence of Eamonn Holmes with the continuing roll out of the 5G network.
“Yes,” said Sharma. “It is possible that some of you may have witnessed appearances of Eamonn Holmes, especially on television and many of you will have heard him saying words and these words will sound, on the face of it, like the English that you and I speak. But I have to inform you that these are randomly generated words devoid of substance issued from a randomly generated image of a middle-aged Northern Irishman also devoid of substance.”
“The government can disclose that Eamonn Holmes is a byproduct of the electromagnetic waves of the new 5G network interfering with the brain waves of people who watch weekday morning television”, continued Sharma. “We don’t know why this happens, but we know that Eamonn Holmes is a disturbing manifestation occurring from a lack of brain waves.”
The government is so far at a loss as to how to tackle the Eamonn Holmes problem “because”, the Minister went on, “the problem is, people are suffering from too many of these weird, populist, misinformation, spouting phenomena at the moment. Following the twin disasters of the coronavirus and Brexit, relocating mobile phone masts in the UK won’t end it, rebuilding civilisation might”.