Social media survey reveals no one cares about your exercise updates

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Nobody gives a ‘flying baboon’s shit’ about where or how far you ran yesterday evening, it can be revealed.

The damning results of the survey which polled all users everywhere, confirm public fears that exercise and gym related ‘boasting’ is now the third most irritating status update, just behind pictures of your nauseating pets or the latest Jamie Oliver recipe you slopped onto a square plate.

‘It’s just incessant, narcissistic dross’ said Darren Jones, a slob from Norwich. ‘I logged on this morning to what appears to be an academic paper describing how many calories my mate Ben burnt off in different ‘intensity’ zones around the city, complete with real-time updates about fluid intake and…get this…expulsion. Yeah, his iPhone is actually measuring the energy content of his piss and tweeting it automatically.’

‘It’s not as if I constantly provide updates about the videogames I’m playing or reply to everything people post with some kind of Star Wars slant is it?’ he said, editing his friends list. ‘Needs to see that shit, who does, Hmmmm?’

Iroquois Pliskin

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Posted: Apr 17th, 2020 by

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