Hovis-19 ‘not such a good idea’ admits food industry


Food manufacturers are taking radical steps to reassure consumers during the pandemic by re-branding their products.

Activia will be known as ‘Inactivia’, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter will become ‘I Can’t Believe There’s No Butter’. ‘Walkers Crisps’ will switch to ‘Sitting Couch Potatoes’ by the end of the month, if they can be bothered.

Crispin Dry, a spokesman for the food industry, said: ‘As soon as we heard that Aunt Bessie had been admitted to hospital, and of Captain Birdseye’s sad passing, we knew we had to take drastic action. We want to use our brand names to help reassure the public. We want them to know that Kenny the toilet roll Koala has been shot by a police marksman. Thieving little shit.’

Manufactures are keen to think outside-the-box as they tackle an unprecedented crisis.

Mr Dry continued: ‘Ambrosia Devon Custard will now be produced by our sister company in Cornwall, or possibly our cousin company in Somerset. We’re not that fussy in these remote parts.’

The food industry is still reeling after health officials warned against the consumption of baked beans during lockdown, but it is hoped the side-effects can be offset by social distancing measures. There was good news for the industry, however, when thousands of tea-pickers were flown to Yorkshire to live in sub-standard caravans and overcrowded shacks. Scientists are investigating why people are so reluctant to do shit jobs for shit pay, while an angry has farmer branded British workers ‘lazy’.

The pharmaceutical industry has joined the food manufacturers in their re-branding efforts, and to help the government produce drugs and medicines.

A spokesperson said: ‘Mr Kipling does make exceedingly good crack.’

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2020 by

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