In an attempt to return leadership to Government, future Cobra meetings will be chaired by another well-known humourist, Fozzie Bear.
Current Chair of Cobra, Dominic Rabb, gave a (sadly) lengthy interview to reporters yesterday outlining the reasons why Fozzie Bear has been offered the new role, “Look what we really lack at Cobra at the moment is the sort of good humour to lighten up what are otherwise quite downbeat meetings. I try my best with the occasional joke here and there, but you know what? That’s not my forte. The problem is my voice rarely moves out of one register and so punchlines are difficult to deliver. For example, “How many government ministers does it take to change a lightbulb in a hospital? And the answer to that is two. One to screw it in and one to screw up ordering more from Turkey… or something. You see how difficult that is. Point is we had those moments of humour with Boris and hopefully Fozzie Bear will be able to do that in the future.”
“Wocka Wocka!” said an evidently thrilled Matt Hancock, “I am very much looking forward to working with Fozzie and I can only describe this as a good thing. What we need is someone who can both make the wrong decision and then sell the wrong decision to the country. Fozzie Bear combines the necessary lack of attention to detail with the necessary bonhomie that makes people to warm to him and not realise what a buffoon he is. And just like Boris, he’s quite cuddly too, I just can’t wait to cuddle him especially when things get quite scary as they often do during Cobra meetings.
Iain Duncan Smith, who is always interviewed despite not working in Government, said, “I think the Government’s decision is the right one and we all have to remember that in the future blame should still be laid at the door of the WHO and China and not Fozzie Bear, despite the fact that it is he who will be running the country. I know Fozzie, he is an old friend of mine and someone who I would describe as my intellectual equal.”
“The thing is we just can’t rely on the Prime Minister to be there, even when he is well,” said one Government Minister, who refused to be named but turned out to be Michael Gove, “He has important engagements at weekends, evenings and occasional weekdays that require him to attend his drinks cabinet.” “I’m not saying he is proving to be the liability we all thought he would be… OK maybe I am, you will remember not to quote me though, OK maybe you can?”