‘The introduction of Blankety Blank instead of Prime Minister’s Question Time is not politically motivated,’ argued first Minister Dominic Raab as he took his chair in the online grid of celebrity politicians, ready to be questioned by host Keir Starmer, known for his really tough questions. ‘It’s a new, fun way of engaging people in how we run the nation, and we’re delighted so many people are appearing at their front doors to clap for it,’ said Raab.
He continued: ‘We were hoping to get Captain Tom on, but he told us to fuck off, because we should have been funding the NHS properly before this happened. It’s a great pity because me and some civil servants have taken time off from increasing the C19 death toll to hone a joke about ‘Ground Control to Captain Tom.’ It’s important to keep the mood light as Conservative-caused deaths rise.’
But in the first episode, Mr Raab himself was faced with unprecedentedly tough questions: He answered: ‘Which can you see more clearly, your arse or your elbow?’ with ‘We are following the science on this one and the experts have yet to find a full answer.’ Asked to connect the words ‘Piss, up’ and ‘Brewery’ Mr Raab said. ‘Obviously at the outset there was an element of miscommunication but now manufacturers are working round the clock to make the necessary equipment and export it, creating countless jobs and a much-needed income stream as government-created deaths continue to rise.
Top civil servant Sir Simon McDonald was asked ‘What would the government say is the key produce needed to run a whelk stall?’ Sir Simon held up his little white board on which he had written: ‘You’d better ask Mr Raab, but I assure you his answer does not involve a political decision.’
Answering the question, Mr Raab said ‘We don’t know all the answers yet, but some signs are positive. For example the disproportionate deaths among the lower paid and ethnic minorities means more Labour voters are dying than Conservative voters. I can’t wait to tell Boris when he makes his return next week, with people on every doorstep in the land applauding his victory over a foreign enemy. I think it’s perfectly right that he uses the 21 Gun salute the Queen has so kindly forfeited and given him to mark the end of the crisis, and a return to fighting for a hard Brexit. Who wants European medical supplies, anyway?’