Everything is currently so weird that people forgot to complain on Thursday that St George’s Day isn’t a bank holiday. Patriot John Smith of Norwich told us ‘Normally I spend the whole day telling anyone who’ll listen that if you’re a patron saint named Andrew, Patrick or David then your special day results in a holiday no questions asked but if you’re George it’s set the alarm clock as usual and do any merriment after work. It is my right as an Englishman to hang up a flag left over from the 2010 World Cup, buy a big pack of Fosters and have a barbecue in my back yard while wearing a vest despite it not being quite warm enough yet. I’ve forgotten what an alarm clock is. Every day feels like one of the days between Christmas and New Year that you don’t know what to do with’.
Asked to comment the ghost of St George said ‘It might as well have been a bank holiday this year, your economy is looking bleak and a bank holiday could have increased sales of cuddly dragons, face paint and those curly hair wigs in white and red you’re inexplicably fond of. Also, none of you went to church, that was part of the deal. Next time a dragon rocks up I’m going to be a bit more specific about your part of the bargain. It’s actually no fun being St George. We’re all a bit jealous of Pat who has managed to get all of North America behind him.’