President Trump has called for a tragic wave of home school shootings, to show things can be ‘almost normal’ despite C19 lockdown conditions, and to demonstrate the US’s right to bear arms is still worth defending.
‘What could be more American than children held in terror by a legitimately armed killer ending the lives of innocent young Americans whose only crime was they had no guns to defend themselves because they were under 7 and they thought being home schooled was safe?’ Trump asked a news conference.
‘Now we are entering a situation in which Canada is doing better in the shootings league, simply because of the lockdown. Nova Scotia is beating Texas in the senseless lethal violence leagues, can you imagine? No wonder people are protesting about that. Face it, if you’re a mentally unstable machine-gun toting loner with a grudge to bear, you can no longer do the American thing and visit your local high school with its basketball court and rows of lockers and its special corridor for Beyonce to dance along. I love that video. But there aren’t enough students to make up a truly American school shooting, and for that reason alone, we gotta think about ending the lockdown, so these kids can experience the true meaning of ‘bag bang you’re dead’.’
The most powerful man in the western world continued: ‘The only bang these poor guys are going to have is the Cilit Bang I’ve told everyone to drink to fight off the disease sent to us by the Chinese Communists in a baseball bat. But a baseball bat is no use to you, faced with a home school shooter, so the only way we’re gonna get through this is to return our kids to schools where they can be mercilessly shot in large numbers by patriots rooting for the second amendment. That may sound ruthless, but it’s better than the death poor Boris Johnson had to suffer, and I look forward to his return, so we can shake hands like true gentlemen.’