Catholicism falls in to Administration


The Catholic Church, the world’s largest supplier of Christianity, is set to file for administration as the Coronavirus shutdown pushes mainstream religions to breaking point.  Earlier this month The Holy See issued a profits warning following a disappointing Easter, traditionally one of the Church’s most profitable times of year.  Poor ticket sales and lower than expected TV revenue from the event had prompted CEO, The Pope, to seek a buyer for Catholicism.

However, it is believed that talks regarding a potential purchase by Disney broke down last night, when agreement over Disney’s plans, to update the Sistine Chapel ceiling with characters from Frozen could not be reached. A last-ditch attempt to agree a deal with Buddhism also looks set to fail, as Buddhist boss, the Dalai Lama, has stated on numerous occasions that his organisation has, “absolutely no interest in material possessions.”

The lack of a significant online presence, a failure to produce any pandemic preventing miracles, falling revenue from tourism and collection plates – allied to stiff competition from other magicians, such as Dynamo and David Blaine – have all been cited as contributing factors to the Catholic Church’s current financial difficulties.

Despite some early success in the treatment of leprosy, blindness and paralysis, over more recent years the Church has largely moved out of the lucrative Healthcare sector, choosing instead to concentrate on the Real Estate and Entertainment markets. An ill-fated foray in to Child Care also proved to be a costly enterprise, resulting in significant damage to Catholicism’s brand image as well as its bottom line.

Faith Analyst, Professor Richard Dawkins, doubted other ailing world religions would get a boost:  ‘It’s not a case of congregations simply switching supplier.  For a start there are compliance issues to overcome, as many competing religions do not fall under the same monotheistic One True God regulatory body.’

‘Of those that are regulated by God, Islam and Judaism are both in the midst of board level wrangles over longer term strategy, and furthermore, their combined stance on Bacon is unlikely to attract any of the Catholic Church’s existing customers,’  said Prof. Dawkins.

These customers – or Roman Catholics, as they prefer to be known – number approximately 1.3 billion worldwide.  The sheer volume of believers now seeking alternative dogma also renders a switch to more similar churches untenable.   Sadly, the Church of England (C of E) – formed after a hostile takeover of the Catholic Church’s UK branch by the Henry VIII group – have neither the resource or capacity to cope with such numbers.

‘We’ve focused our business on providing a Managed Service for events like Christenings, Weddings and Funerals, so we’re not so much a bums on pews type organisation anymore.  We simply don’t have anywhere to put everyone really,’ said C of E Head of Operations, The Archbishop of Canterbury.  ‘It’s a tough time for everyone in the industry at the moment.  We may well have a wealthy backer in the form of The Queen, but we’re really only managing to keep our head above water because of a recent increase in funeral bookings.’

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Posted: Apr 29th, 2020 by

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