Leaked minutes from a recent SAGE meeting appear to reveal the Prime Minister’s Chief Adviser to be an extra-terrestrial from a planet he refers to a Covid 19. The minutes reveal that the UK’s top scientific advisers are all under the control of Cummings who occasionally emits an energy ray from his forehead to ensure they obey his will.
Cummings is recorded during his introduction to a recent meeting as saying: ‘Scientists of the United Kingdom, the meeting will begin promptly at 9.00am with opening remarks from me, then there will be a presentation on the progress of the virus that I have unleashed on the earth, then there will be a coffee break in the annex where Jaffa Cakes will be served, for which I have developed a great fondness for whilst on earth.’
Shockingly Cummings takes responsibility for the Coronavirus and in a later exchange with Sir Patrick Vallance, who was thought to be the Chair of SAGE, Cummings says: ‘Vallance, know this, once my virus has done its work this planet will be repopulated with only scientists and people of a very high IQ. In this way humanity will be purified and improved. Please pass me another Jaffa Cake.’
Vallance is then recorded as saying: ‘But this is preposterous and immoral, why should you aliens take it upon yourselves to improve the human race we were doing perfectly well without… aaaaarrrgh!’. That beam of energy from your superior forehead, stop please… aaargh!’.
Cummings responds: ‘Ha ha ha! Now let that be a lesson to you all. That beam of energy is concentrated right wing intellectual thought which can fry your puny metropolitan minds. Now, do we have any more of these Jaffa Cakes, Whitty can you go out and buy another box’.
‘Right now the drone I have installed as leader of your pathetic country, is busy pretending to deal with the virus whilst all the time making decisive errors. You see how the earth people continue to clap and worship him even as the situation gets worse ha ha ha! And as for the country they call America, my plan is going better than I could have ever dreamed.’