In a private ceremony attended only by Fox News and the ghost of his Mother, Donald Trump awarded himself the Nobel Prize today. It followed a tough contest against elite second graders and was adjudicated by their teacher, Mrs James. ‘I was approached by the Secret Service to organise a ‘sudden death’ spelling bee”, she told reporters. ‘Then the Secret Service man showed me photos of my family and explained the meaning of ‘sudden death’, so I agreed.’
‘President Trump did very well. He stumbled on some of the earlier rounds – ‘hamburger’ was a surprisingly tricky word for him, and even after forty seven attempts he didn’t get close to spelling ‘truth’, so I added a special ‘Covfefe’ round which he aced, to become the World Spelling Champion of the World. I know’, she sighed. ‘He insisted’.
President Trump discussed the Nobel Prize in a 2 hour interior monologue, during which he also made several advanced scientific discoveries and performed selfless acts of heroism: ‘I have the best interior monologues in the world. Fact,’ he told Fox News. ‘If there was a Nobel Prize for Interior Monologuing . . . oh, wait, bring back that photographer, I have an idea.’
The children weren’t upset by losing to the President.
‘It’s okay, he’s a grown-up,’ said Abigail, 7. ‘Usually they let us win, but he got us McDonalds so that was nice. He said it’s all he eats, apart from boogers. Do all grown-ups eat boogers? And what does Covfefe mean? Is it one of those special words which make Mrs James blush?’
‘Yes, and he’s got this special box,’ said Daniel, 8. ‘If he can remember 16 numbers in a row he can blow up anywhere in the world! He said he tried to blow up Iranistan last week, but I don’t think that’s a real place. And he kept asking the Secret Servicemen for the coordinates for CNN, but they weren’t telling. When I grow up I want to be president’.
‘Oh Daniel,’ said Mrs James, smiling. ‘You can’t do both’.