Viewers who tuned in to Thursday’s Daily Coronavirus Briefing were treated to a virtuoso performance by the original – and arguably best – line-up of Whitty, Vallance and Johnson. The trio have not been seen at the lectern together for several weeks, after lead, Boris Johnson, split from the group citing, ‘virological differences’ with Whitty.
The group continued to perform regularly on the circuit following Johnson’s departure – drafting in a succession of vastly inferior frontmen and women along the way – but never really achieving the same level of success that the classic Whitty, Vallance and Johnson line-up had enjoyed.
Johnson himself left the limelight completely – and after a brief struggle with drugs – eventually settled down to start yet another family. Over the intervening days both Whitty and Vallance dipped in and out of the Daily Coronavirus Briefing, but never with the same enthusiasm as they had demonstrated in the group’s glory days back in March.
Lacklustre performances with Dominic Raab fronting (and even on occasion a talentless Michael Gove), left a devoted fanbase both disappointed and disillusioned. Daily Coronavirus Briefing quality continued to decline steadily over the ensuing days, culminating in the infamous Powis, Hewitt and Patel performance of 11th April 2020.
That evening had got off to a bad start, with fans already disgruntled when it became apparent that none of the original members of the group were to appear. A sub-par performance by an obviously out of her depth Priti Patel did nothing to lighten the mood. Patel’s consistent failure to properly enunciate her Gs built tension in the room, until things finally exploded when she absolutely murdered one of the group’s most popular numbers, the fan favourite, 334,974.
The resulting violence caused an estimated £1.48 worth of damage, although Patel’s subsequent insurance claim was said to run to thirty-seventy-ninety million billion, twenty-three, and eighty thousand, forty-two pounds. Still the largest complete nonsense figure ever seen in briefing history.
Rumours of a Daily Coronavirus Briefing reunion have been circulating for days, but even the most hardcore Daily Coronavirus Briefing fans (or Briefies as they prefer to be known) remained sceptical that the rift between Johnson and Whitty could ever be healed.
There was an audible gasp as all three made an entrance through the briefing room doors on Thursday evening. ‘It was wonderful,’ said uber Briefie, Laura Kuenssberg. ‘I dreamed of the three of them getting back together, but never thought I’d actually get to see it.’
The trio opened with a medley of Daily Coronavirus Briefing standards, like, Stay Home, Protect the NHS and Save Lives, before seamlessly segueing into a series of brand-new numbers, all presented in expertly delivered graphs.
‘They’ve lost none of their magic. It’s as if the intervening days had never happened,’ continued 43-year old Kuenssberg. ‘The new material is absolutely amazing. So good. I’m afraid I temporarily lost all bladder control when they started on R Numbers.’
Similarly moved by the performance, fellow Breifie, Robert Peston, was left a babbling, barely coherent wreck, who could hardly string a sentence together. ‘Nah, he’s always like that,’ explained Kuenssberg.