The story about how Boris Johnson narrowly escaped death needs to be pumped with oxygen constantly to keep it going, it has been confirmed today.
After flatlining for a week, the account of how the brave PM came through his ordeal at St Thomas’ hospital was narrowly rescusitated by a puff piece in the Sun.
‘The bloody indicators were all going in the wrong direction – criticism over PPE, the lack of a lockdown plan and too much debate over whether little Willy is my 6th or 7th child admitted Johnson. ‘So Big Dom had to step in, penning a friendly piece for the old Current Bun on my bravery under adversity’.
‘Frankly the article wasn’t in good shape at all, it was flabby and nausea-inducing’, continued Johnson. ‘At one point I heard my press team whispering seriously about approaching The Express to publish it. That’s how bad it was. Fortunately they pumped the story with a mixture of humility and Churchillian stoicism and it pulled through’.
Spin doctors have advised that the story continues to get lots of air and support, with only gentle questioning daily at 5pm.