Home Secretary, proven non-bully and professional number bungler, Priti Patel (‘O’ level Maths, Grade D), has been put in charge of the nation’s pollen count.
This is, apparently, a last-ditch attempt to improve her maths. Last month she gave the British public the wrong numbers of coronavirus tests and is strongly rumoured to be the driving force behind the government’s target of 100,000 tests a day.
A cabinet source said that the PM, despite being incapacitated with soiled nappies in his pockets and a brain functioning at only 17% of capacity, recognised that having a Home Secretary without a grasp of basic maths, was a massive problem.
“Frankly, it’s embarrassing. She’s worse than Diane Abbott, and that’s saying something. I asked her how many sugars she wanted in her tea yesterday and she said “eleventy.” If she cannot do simple sugar sums then it calls into doubt all her immigration figures.
This is the last chance saloon I’m afraid. Surely she can’t cock up the pollen count and if she fails we’re looking at having to do re-takes in the Autumn and a possible appeal.”