An NHS app aimed at limiting the spread of Coronavirus, is being trialled on the Isle of Wight; alongside transistor radios, the typewriter and toilets that flush. Despite this, the most effective way for the Islanders to lower death rates, is to stop burning witches.
The App itself will involve leeches and being dunked in the village pond. Those infected, will be expected to carry a bell at all times, with a sign saying ‘20% off a family ticket for Blackgang Chine’.
George, a VCR repairman from Ventnor, expressed his concern: ‘It’s all very well the Government telling us to use social distancing but how are we expected to visit the local apothecary to get our mercury and arsenic potions?’
The island’s plague doctors offered this advice: ‘If you’re stuck at home, you can easily make a poultice from cow dung and powdered unicorn horn. Try to avoid other people, as they may have been exposed to the 21st century. At all times, cover your face with a Mummer’s mask. And wash your hands – only kidding – soap is the work of the devil!’