Matt Hancock, Ill-Health Secretary, has stated that face-to-face meetings at work can take place, but only if they last no more than 15 minutes. Overlooking the distance/time knowledge void, or how actual meetings work in the real world, here are 15 ways to try and get a meeting over and done with in a quarter of an hour:
Conduct all meetings while standing. On hot coals.
Play noise of gently trickling water in background.
Swap conference room for lion enclosure at Longleat.
Add Russian Roulette as an agenda item.
Invite that guy from IT to all meetings… you know, the guy with the questionable personal hygiene regime.
Conduct all meetings during free-fall parachute jumps.
Sequentially boil three eggs during each meeting.
Only allow laxative refreshments to be served.
Attendees have to clean and jerk 25% of own body weight for duration of meeting.
Put on the next episode of Normal People.
Next person to use a word with a vowel has to leave the meeting.
Everyone acts out scenes from Tiger King.
Conduct all meetings sitting on a block of ice.
Don’t invite Marketing.
Hold it in Salisbury and invite the Russian Spetsnaz.
Don’t have a meeting, they’re a waste of time anyway (to be discussed at next meeting).
Steve B (hat tip to Midfield Diamond, Adrian J, Chipchase, Max Stars, Sir Lupus)