In a surprise move, Premiership clubs have decided to retain all their yobs, who are currently furloughed and rioting at home. They see it as an effective way of rewarding loyal, lifetime hooligans, who just happen to like a good old-fashioned punch up.
In a joint statement, the clubs have announced that the scheme will run until the start of the new season.
A Premier League spokesperson said, “The Premier league recognises that the yobs are often the backbone of a clubs support. These people have often been hooligans for many years and admittedly have a long history of random violence and chronic patterns of abuse.
However, the skillset they bring to European games such as hurling chairs through bar windows in quaint European capitals, excessive drinking and dribbling around riot police, is admired the world over.
It’s part of the magic of the game. I mean, without abusive language, violence, and racist behaviour we’d have to call football something different wouldn’t we, like Rugby or Golf, for instance.”