Scientists in the reproductive physiology department at the San Diego Zoo have discovered, through the use of thermal imagining, a general predilection for black and white back-door action in the panda fraternity. Cameras have regularly picked up a bright red sausage-shape, indicating an increased blood flow in the general vicinity of the panda poopchute.
This new data has provided an insight into the lack of panda cubs and the shortage of bamboo-flavoured lube. Some vets had assumed that pandas have delayed conception until they have a deposit on a house in a nice catchment area, or were simply too young to settle down; but it transpires they were just crazy for the dance of the chocolate cha-cha.
In 2010, there were approximately 1600 pandas left in the wild – but nobody realised quite how wild they really were. One zoo took six months to discover that all their rutting pandas were in fact male; even then, they were only alerted by the incessant dance music, discarded poppers in the foliage and the fact that they had been having a whale of a time.
Statistically the female panda is in heat only once a year for 12 to 25 days – and even less if all that is on offer is the rusty trombone. Weening black eye off the brown eye may prove difficult, as one panda remarked: ‘If Donald Trump is allowed to do it to the electorate all the time, why can’t we?’