NHS to launch ‘Complete Moron’ tracing app

Screenshot 2020-05-06 at 10.00.32

To help keep people safe from imbeciles who can’t be enormously bothered with social distancing measures, and simply ‘don’t do’ lockdown, the NHS is launching a new app to combat the problem.

The Complete Moron contact-tracing app will warn innocent people when they are close to a complete moron and at immediate risk of contagion, by emitting an ear-piercing air-raid style, warning signal.

It works by using advanced Idiotooth technology to detect when two people’s smartphones are close to each other.

A Project Chief for the app developer said that their centralized approach towards complete morons will prevent contamination, and turning people into terminal restriction flouters.

“We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Only this morning, while out on my daily permitted stroll, a sweaty, out of breath jogger, exhaling buckets of sweat and virus particles came up behind me and I had to practically jump into a hedge to avoid him.

This app will keep us all safe from the types of moron who are still partying, refuse to recognise social distancing measures, sit on park benches, hurl abuse at the police, and refuse to pick up a box of six eggs for Ethel at number twenty-seven.

Being a complete moron is a bit like a virus. We can all become one if they are allowed to go unchecked and we’re hoping this innovative new app will protect not only the NHS but also our sanity.”

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Posted: May 7th, 2020 by

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