A Bromsgrove man’s well-meant offer to redecorate the family bathroom while he is nominally ‘working from home’ has rebounded horribly, it has emerged. In the light of a dispute over how many kinds of white there are, Michael Kendrick and his wife Susan are re-evaluating the viability of living in the same hemisphere, never mind the same fucking house.
‘I knew it was a fool’s errand as soon as Susan said we should use an ‘off-white’ shade to contrast with the ‘duck egg blue’ tiles, whatever that all means,’ said Michael, 45. ‘Then when I said “What, like yellowy-white or greeny-white”, she decided we should look at the Dulux colour charts online together and my heart sank.’
‘Ivory, White Cream, Clouds – they’re all basically white, aren’t they? Milk White. Almond White. Almond Milk White. Is that even a thing? Barley Twist? Almost Oyster?? ALMOST Fucking Oyster??? What in the name of absolute fuck does that mean? Cockles and mussels are almost oysters, aren’t they? And none of them were bloody white last time I looked at them.’
‘Oh, and they also do ‘Brilliant White’ while I’m on. Well, if the others AREN’T brillilant, why are they the same price then? Answer me that one, Mr Frosted-Steel-With-a-Tinge-of-Blossom. And to cap it all, Susan then wants to look at the Crown Paints colour chart and make it even more complicated. Even though I know they are owned by the same company as Dulux these days. I tried to tell her but she just looked at me.’
Susan Kendrick, 42, said: ‘I hoped that deciding on the shade of paint for the bathroom would bring us closer together as a couple. How can you possibly think that Natural Calico and Wicker White are the same thing? He is SO insensitive. And he’s never made me come.’