Dark Lord of the Sieve Paul Hollywood, is to begin punching and headbutting people who fail their challenges in the 2016 Great British Bake Off, it has emerged. Having exhausted his supply of withering and self-esteem crushing put-downs last series, sources close to the man who once described co-star Mary Berry’s drop-scones as ‘joyless and pallid portals of vomit’ are saying that he will resort to violence this year in order to emphasize his displeasure.
‘It’s like baking for Kim Jong-un,’ revealed Francis, a former contestant who is now starting to make progress with his therapist. ‘You’ve got an hour to rustle something up out of a packet of cornflakes and a jar of mud, using nothing but two spoons, a broken bowl and a cheese grater. If Paul doesn’t like it at the end, you’re fucked. I once saw him beat someone with a stale baguette, then drag him naked through Welford village tied to back of his bicycle.’
‘With Clarkson gone, Bake Off has to step up a gear’ said BBC director General, Tony Hall. ‘You can’t go around attacking people because they forgot to order your post-shoot meal, but serving up a doughy, rosemary-flavoured monstrosity in the shape of Big Ben is another matter entirely. These people need to be held accountable and Hollywood is the man to do it – he’s a loaf-wielding badass.’
Ofcom is reported to be concerned that the popular show is straying out of the realms of gentle country baking and into bread based punishments and public humiliation – but admits it has little power to control content anymore. Rumours, coincidentally, are emerging that Hollywood’s production company is currently attempting to coerce Mary Berry to work on a mystery project next year entitled ‘The Running Nan’.
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