Matt Hancock has said that he is confident that he can meet the respiratory needs of British patients – provided they don’t mind using a party-blower, with a feather on the end. Virus sufferers will be strapped to a series of breathing apparatus; including balloons, whoopee cushions, and of course, an inflatable sheep.
Hancock’s initial preference was for the final death rattle to be accompanied with a ‘wah wah wah’ – but the trombones were just too cumbersome. Instead, as grandpa breathes his final breathe, the atmosphere will be lightened with a short comic interlude on the kazoo.
A Health Official explained: ‘We were looking for a cheaper, more portable alternative to a ventilator – and ideally something that can fit in a party bag. One suggestion was to use bagpipes, with Dyson promising to produce 20,000 bagless bagpipes – which kind of defeated the point.’
ICUs will be fitted with ‘state of the art’ kazoos, with nothing but the finest in paper/comb technologies. ‘Admittedly you won’t survive long on a kazoo, but what little time you have left will be hilarious – we call it Hancock’s Half Hour’.