Scientists in Oxford have observed that following Boris Johnson’s speech to the nation on Sunday evening, the Coronavirus now seems to be unsure what to do this week.
‘It’s bizarre, it is suddenly exhibiting a state of confusion” said Professor Philips of Oxford University’s Jenner Institute, whilst handing his leather jacket to his girlfriend, “It doesn’t know whether to carry on focusing on care homes, continue to target NHS workers or incompetent populist heads of state. Instead of clear direction, which is what a major population of submicroscopic infectious agents need, it is now being told to simply act on a change of emphasis this week. I’m afraid, deadly pathogens don’t do abstract wordplay and so this is causing it a real headache, which will be an ironic experience for the Coronavirus.’
Whilst reclining on a sofa and enjoying a massage to the temples from his girlfriend, Professor Philips went on, ‘Worst case scenario is it just decides to mutate into a more destructive illness that paralyses the country further. It may mutate into Major Hancock-Up Syndrome.’
‘This is a difficult one to treat as hospitals tend to run out of essential equipment the moment these patients are brought in. Alternatively, the virus might mutate into Farage Paranoid Schizophrenia where, despite a major pandemic killing tens of thousands across the UK, you are possessed with the need to drive a hundred miles along the Kent coast to shout at a few washed up migrants.’
‘I myself am self-isolating with a new mutant strain of the virus aren’t I Sophie,’ Philips pointed out to his girlfriend, ‘that’s Samantha” she knowledgeably replied. ‘I’m suffering from Boris Johnson’s Johnson Syndrome where your R rate becomes excessively high.’
Cartoon by: Mike Capozzola