The Government has announced its lockdown-easing programme for the next few months, which will involve a gradual return of normal services and businesses, with the majority of roles fulfilled by The One Show’s Alex Jones.
The Welsh temptress will undertake responsibilities in both the public and private sector, including the driving of buses and trains, building site labouring, food delivery, marine engineering, clinical psychology and casual metaphysics lecturing, while maintaining her 5 day-a-week residency on popular teatime magazine show. The commissioning of Jones comes after doctors deemed her ‘practically immortal’.
The BBC has stated that in case of scheduling issues, Michael Ball will be made available to perform essential heart surgery, though the programme itself will maintain its usual mix of lightweight celebrity interviews, snidey consumer report and indigenous wildlife bothering. Due to the heavy demands on the show during the pandemic, the BBC will also be easing restrictions on Giles Brandreth.
However, the plans have been deemed subject to change after Jones recently completed work on developing a vaccine for the Covid-19 virus, thus saving millions of lives, before returning to the One Show sofa in time to introduce a film about the history of the egg-and-spoon race.