The Downing Street Press Office has released the full transcript of the Prime Minister’s press conference yesterday. Here is an extract:
PM: Can I say many thanks, thanks for your question Donald, from Middlesbrough, and may I say what a fine city it is, at least I think it’s a city. Or if not, what a fine urbana oppidum, you hail from, if indeed you originate from that settlement. Difficult to tell, with just having your first name, although I suppose Donald does have Northern, if not Celtic, connotations.
Anyway, as the producer of this excellent press conference said to me,and may I say a big thanks to everyone for arranging the whizz bangs to make all this happen, great to have boffins helping us out at this time. Which reminds me, I have a couple of boffins with me at all times now – NOT to watch over my salutem, no, indeed not, but to advise on this virus.
Anyway, the producer, who is partial to the odd bottle of the happy juice or three said to me, ‘Darling’ He’s like that, I hardly know him and me a new dad! Anyway, he says ‘Darling, you’re looking a bit peaky today’, Well the cheek of it. I’m pugnatum belli, I’ll have you know.
Which reminds me of that story of the chap who finds himself in hospital and unable to walk. Incidentally, at this juncture, I want to say huge thanks to everyone one in the NHS, doctors, nurses, and everyone else for all the great work they do. Anyway, are you still with us Donald? Yes, I’ll get to you question in a minute.
Now where was I? Oh yes. The chap in hospital unable to walk. So, the doctor says, we’ve got some good news and bad news about your feet. I should say, it’s mostly good news about coronavirus today, although it could become bad, if we don’t keep this R number down. I can see the producer’s nodded off again, always a bad sign that he’s pushing the drinking too much again. He said I drive him to drink. Me, I said, I cycle everywhere!
Where was I? Oh yes, the doctor says, to the patient, you see… And by the way, I saw lots of patients in St. Thomas’ wonderful care and even better to get out I say, although everyone is doing a great job.
So, the doctor says, bad news, ha ha ha, we’ve had to amputate both your feet. Bad luck eh? The patient is devastated, as I was when I discovered what Prof. Lockdown was up to. But, cheer up, says the doc. to the patient. Cheer up, what have I got to be cheerful about you’ve just amputated both my feet, expostulates the patient. Well, says the doc with a cheeky grin, the good news is the patient in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!
Hope that answers your excellent question, Donald, now onto the next caller.