As Education Secretary and all arsehole head boys rolled into one, Gareth Williamson indicated that a possible staged reopening of schools, it has confirmed that proper measures will be deployed so that bullies will be fully equipped with PPE to safely continue executing wedgies and other evil deeds.
Department of Education spokesperson, Giles Sergeant, said, ‘We are well aware that reopening schools safely is paramount and as a frequent recipient of both standard and atomic wedgies in his time at school, the Education Secretary wants to ensure that such close-quarters bullying is executed in a way that is safe for both perpetrator and victim.’
‘In particular, extra-strength rubber gloves, with sufficient grip and flexibility to enable a swift and clean pant wrench to take account of the inevitable albeit futile struggling.’
‘We also recommend all candidates for wedgies consider wearing disinfected plastic pants, which should reduce the ability for virus transmission. Gareth is currently drawing up guidance of who should consider themselves as such candidates, starting with the obvious, namely, anyone called Gareth.’
‘We are also looking at other measures, namely ensuring that stealing of lunch money is contactless only and restricting the involuntary shaving of eyebrows to only strimmers or extra-long hedge cutters.’
‘The message is that we want to support the opening of schools in a safe way and we will do all we can to ensure that the school melts are able to conduct their moronic business as usual but in a safe way.’
‘We can also confirm that there is no truth in the rumour that the Prime Minister road-tested some of the measures on the Education Secretary himself, or that there is such a thing as an “Etonian Special” category of Wedgie that involves unleashing a wet ferret while the victim is forced to recite passages from Homer’s ‘The Iliad.’