Rees-Mogg launches his Covid-XIX ‘‘Pony trap, trace and telegram’ contraption


Frustrated by the time taken to develop the ‘Track and trace’ application for the Isle of Wight, Common’s leader and amateur inventor Jacob Rees-Mogg has launched a revolutionary new contraption to assist with the Covid-XIX crisis.

‘Whilst the youngsters are attempting to write some sort of computer program to deal with this virus, my own wonderful invention won’t even need people to carry around mainframe computers and paper tape machines to work properly, never mind an extra-long power cable’ confirmed Rees-Mogg ‘And my straw powered contraption is fully portable too.’

Rees-Mogg’s invention works by people riding pony and traps around the island looking for people who appear ‘Under the weather’, ‘We simply arrest the perpetrator, find-out their name and address and then ask a local constable to arrange for a telegram to be sent to their neighbours and servants, and it only takes a few days. It’s also fully chargeable by simply taking-on-board a fresh straw bale into the trap, which can then be added to the pony’s nose bag.’

Health secretary Matt Hancock confirmed his excitement at Rees-Mogg’s invention: ‘Jacob reckons he can make one a week at his factory in the Caymen Islands and he has a clipper at the ready to bring them-over here. In only 18 months we could have 50 ready to go, and that buys-us time to make some more straw to power them after the next harvest. I love it when a plan comes together.’

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Posted: May 16th, 2020 by

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