Government ‘Have I Got News for You’ leadership style to become permanent

HIGNFY

The Conservatives have confirmed that they will continue to use daily guest leaders even after the pandemic has ended, as the general public prefers it to watching the same old comedian trot out hackneyed jokes and Latin puns each night.

‘Wondering which c-list political celebrity will step out of the door at 5pm to carry the can for endemic, systematic governmental failings is the highlight of my day’ said a Telegraph reader. ‘I can’t keep up with them all – there’s Robert Thingy, Alok Whatsiface, Rishi Sunak’s au pair – the endless novelty is a joy.’

The original host of the popular topical panel show ‘Prime Minister’s Questions’ was nearly sacked for having an affair, general lying and shiftiness, having another affair, making stuff up, lying about an affair, insulting everyone not looking like him, educated like him or sounding like, having an affair and lying about it, and having another affair. He only survived because the show’s producers couldn’t find anyone worse.

‘He started losing control’ said an anonymous Government insider. ‘The other panellists were picking on him, calling him out and telling him to get a bloody haircut. It was painful to watch. If he hadn’t got ill we’d have had to sack him, not just furlough him’.

Some of the guest leaders had hoped to occupy the position permanently one day, but are thought to be consoled by the idea that none of their colleagues will ever do so either.

The titular Prime Minister meanwhile is using his time off to catch up with ‘old friends’ situated in ports across the globe. ‘I’ve learnt a lot from people from all street-walks and positions in life,’ he said. ‘Lucky I had some IT lessons last year or this zoom doo-dah would be a Gordian knot even the finest Etonian debating longsword couldn’t slice through. I could, however, use a tutorial on how to stop broadcasting my little chats through the baby monitor.’

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Posted: May 17th, 2020 by

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