A study has concluded that both Ray Mears and Bear Grylls are utterly pointless and have no relevance to anyone but themselves.
They only exist in the public consciousness because of continually putting themselves in stupidly life-threatening perils. Perils that 99.99999999999999999999% of everyone in the country will never find themselves within a million miles of.
The study’s author, Prof. Wesley Hampton said: ‘What they do is like being famous for cutting your bollocks off with a blunt hacksaw and then cooking a dinner party for four on top of Mount Snowdon.’
‘It serves no purpose whatsoever and in all honesty you’d never ever do it yourself, yet these pair of chancers travel to remote areas of the world and live by foraging off whatever they can find in the wild; distilling drinking water from stagnant alligator piss and fetid festering pools of week-old discharged elephant semen.’
‘My suggestion to both would be for them to get a grip on themselves. Forget building a jungle shelter out of palm fronds, coconut husks and baboon shit and just live a nice quiet and simple life in Croydon or Carshalton. Maybe take out a mortgage on an apartment or bungalow and buy their food in Sainsbury’s or Waitrose.’
‘Because if they did they’d find their lives a lot simpler and considerably less stressful. And of course the public would’t have to endure their stupefyingly dull self-serving nonsense on endlessly pointless TV shows.’