In view of the recent declaration of war and Mr Hitler’s invasion of Poland, His Majesty’s Government has promised to review existing stocks of weaponry and put in place a plan to increase the number of aircraft, warships and guns etc by 1946 at the latest.
‘We have already produced over 100,000 items of equipment,’ said War Minister Matt Hancock. This includes 80,000 socks (i.e. 40,000 pairs), 19,999 boots and one rifle. He then went on to criticise the British Expeditionary Force for ‘wasting’ the 23 bullets they had been issued with, and suggested that bullets could be re-used if only soldiers weren’t too cowardly to cross into enemy territory, retrieve them and then reinsert powder and repair the damaged casings.
The rules on blackout were explained by the Prime Minister, tousle-haired time-traveller Boris Johnson. ‘Look, er, people of Britain, um, we need you to pull those curtains shut. That’s the main message. They need to be shut for, erm, most of the time and then Johnny Foreigner won’t know where to bomb. I hate to be unpopular so I won’t order you to, you know, put up extra thick curtains, but if you could, that would be jolly, you know, thanks.’