Boris Johnson has revealed that as a child he started a Buck’s Fizz appreciation group, and when he said ‘F@*k Business’ at a diplomatic function last year he was trying to refer to ‘Buck’s Fizziness’. ‘Buck’s fizziness is a kind of joyful nay euphoric feeling one experiences at one of this talented combo’s recitations.’ Mr Johnson explained on a yet-to-be-screened edition of Would I Lie to You? ‘I was struck by the curse of Dr Spooner, and that’s all there is to it.
‘The idea that I would so malign those from whom I have made a pretty Penny is beneath contempt. And allow me to pause and instruct my speechwriters to compose a lubricious pun on the phrase Pretty Penny. And also, to ask them to come up with some stuff about milk shakes. Who was the generously-proportioned dark-skinned songstress who sang so knowingly about them, more recently than the F*@ks? I mean Bucks.’
He continued: ‘In relation to the eponymous beat group, I always aspired to be a member of the BF gang, and others have been kind enough to point out that with my blond ambition and rhythmic twitching hips, I would not have looked out of place upon the Eurovision Podium alongside Cheryl back in 1981. Later, she was kind enough to give me a signed autograph, and I gave her one during a Party Conference in a Hove Travelodge, although that may have been Sara Dallin from Bananarama.
The memory is all the more appropriate now the Tory Party has a vacancy about which they are ‘Making their mind up.’ That is all I have to say upon the matter and I would be grateful if you could excuse me while I pen some thinly-disguised and gratuitously racist epigrams in relation to my upcoming candidature.’