Uncooked ham Michael Gove has claimed to have personally licked every surface of every school clean to make it safe for pupils and staff. Although Gove has no formal role in education anymore, it has been suggested by colleagues that he can’t stop meddling in matters relating to schools.
‘He’s always lurking around my department,’ said Gavin Williamson, Education Secretary. ‘I just can’t tell if he has a deep-seated desire to return to the classroom, or whether he’s waiting for the right angle to bury a hatchet in my back.’
When pressed on what evidence he had based his assertion that it was right and safe for schools to reopen, Gove stated, ‘The time is right because we want to point and sneer at the working classes as they drop off their spawn and scuttle back to their factories. And it’s perfectly safe because children and teachers are not real people.’