The tragic death by suicide of one of Jeremy Kyle’s guests has led to a number of questions, the main one being: How is this the first time?
“We never meant for a guest to die”, said a spokesman. “His dignity, indeed everybody’s dignity – that should die, obviously. Self-respect, common morals, decency and good manners – we slay those bastards, that’s our mission.
“The show’s motto is: ‘we destroy your life so you don’t have to’ “
Ironically, with Jeremy Kyle off the telly, Britain’s self-harm and suicide rates have plummeted, which has led TV bosses to reach into the bin for a replacement. Suggestions include:
Toxic Triad : trainee psychopaths are tested on their ability to wet the bed, commit arson and torture animals
Wank Face : ordinary members of the public masturbate on camera, with a cash prize going to the person who pulls the strangest face
Google History : in the most chilling idea yet, a family and friends group will wait to see whose Google search history gets displayed to the nation
Tramp Wars: takes tramp-fighting to a new level, pitting Britain’s homeless against street people from the world’s slums. Will Blighty rule the streets, or will the scum from the favelas triumph?
Death Wish: 3 terminally ill patients compete for a dignified ending. 1st prize: hospice. 2nd prize: clubbed to death with a brick. 3rd prize: Liverpool Care Pathway in an NHS hospital
Michael Gove : no specific plans yet, just the title. Possibly combine with Wank Face
“Members of the public have been sending ideas in round the clock”, said a spokesman for the telly. “Some of them are really sick. As in ‘send for the men in white coats’ kind of sick. As a recruitment process it’s been awesome, if we’re ever allowed to put Kyle back on TV we’ve got about three seasons’ worth of guests right there”.