Charity walker Captain Tom Moore will now be expected to do laps of his garden 24/7 to fill the funding gap in NHS provision. In addition to using his walking frame, Captain Tom will be asked to do keepy-uppies to pay for schools, burpees to fund social care and iron-man triathlons to pay for Jacob Rees Mogg’s wine cellar.
A spokesman for the Queen said: ‘Knighthoods aren’t for free you know. Normally you have to pioneer innovative forms of tax avoidance or have moved abroad to escape being British. Not every Captain Tom Cobley gets one, we can’t all be a paragons of virtue like Jeffrey Archer.’
At the age of 100, Captain Tom does not expect to fund the NHS for many more years, but neither does Matt Hancock. Moore joins a distinguished list of knights who have raised money for charity or featured in Operation Yewtree. ‘He won’t be like a regular knight,’ confirmed an aide to the PM. ‘He’ll be expected to actually work.’