Responsibility for last Friday’s attack on a Women’s Institute flower show and indoor market at Shanklin, Isle of Wight, has been claimed by a shadowy local branch of the Voluntarily Celibate (VolCel) movement. The brutal and cowardly assault saw several jars of jam broken and left five elderly ladies ‘really rather cross, to be perfectly honest with you’.
‘We are fighting back on behalf of millions of men across the world who would rather not have to bother with that sort of mucking about any more,’ said VolCel leader Reginald Potter from inside his command post in the garden shed at Seaview Avenue in Ryde. ‘And we won’t hesitate to take direct action again, I’ll tell you that for free, young laddy m’boy.’
The terror assault began at nine o’clock sharp, when five men aged between 48 and 65 burst into the 18th century market hall, wielding wooden spoons and zimmer frames. They then ambled around the stalls being frightfully rude to the ladies there. When Edith Wilkins, 71, arose from her chair behind the tea and biscuits stand and told them there was no need for that kind of behaviour, she was viciously told to ‘Pipe down, you silly old boot’ and a tomato plant was accidentally trampled on during the chaos.
VolCel groups have sprung up over the world in recent years, in protest against over-demanding wives, some of whom continue to demand sexual services even in their fifties and beyond. ‘Men who just want a bit of peace and quiet are totally discriminated against in today’s world,’ Potter said. ‘We are not prepared to put up with it any more.’
‘It was bad enough on my honeymoon, when my wife Doris demanded hanky-panky three times that very week, but I never imagined it continuing into my old age. It has been traumatic beyond words. If they really must carry on like that, there are plenty enough male gigolos advertising their services in the small ads of the Sandown Gazette – I imagine. Now if you will excuse me, that model train isn’t going to finish itself.’