At his latest bell-ringing gathering, town crier Matt Hancock has given details of the government’s new three-part ‘on-the-spot’ Covid-19 test. The test will give a positive, negative, or political answer within twenty minutes of being undertaken and consist of three parts: theory, hazard-perception and practical.
To qualify for testing each subject must first apply for provisional eligibility at a cost of £50 and take a course of preparatory lessons in coughing with a medical professional to prepare for testing, particularly if all the subject has done during lockdown is bake and wank. The theory part of the test is to ensure the subject is aware of the contrary and conflicting government advice, e.g. ‘I shake hands with everyone’ or ‘Don’t shake hands with anyone!’.
The hazard-perception element involves taking part in an interactive online video game in which the subject endeavours to stay two metres away from all potential hazards. This is an adaptation of the hazard-perception test taken by party candidates for avoiding humans with milkshakes before embarking upon an electoral campaign trail.
Finally, the subject undertakes several internal swab manoeuvres within the relative comfort of their own car. Results are given immediately and can either be ‘positive’, ‘negative’ or if it was found the administered test was ordered by Chris Grayling, and is a test for pregnancy, then the official advice ‘Prudence dictates the decision on this occasion is neither warranted nor in the best interest of the country’ will be given.
Working part-time whilst on furlough from Build-a-Bear, Mr Hancock informed the nation that testing would begin on Thursday in Hampshire, meaning; most tests would be in the process of delivery on Thursday, possibly this week if not definitely one Thursday before the ‘use-by’ date. Possibly.