Advising patriotic US citizens to stand beneath giant anvils suspended by a thread earlier today, Donald Trump said: ‘The Chinese virus can’t deal with anvils. It kills the virus in one minute, maybe less. American anvils are best.’
Under questioning by journalists, Trump confirmed that grand pianos might be as effective as giant anvils. Ten-ton weights were not discussed, which might be an indication of difficulties with FDA approval.
The President is known to be keen on nature documentaries, particularly where they involve wily coyotes, ducks and cheerful talking mice. Shares in the Acme Corporation, the US’s largest anvil manufacturers, spiked following the news, as did those of makers of extra-wide, flat coffins