Dominic Cummings has decided that no action is necessary against Dominic Cummings over an alleged lockdown breach. Mr Cummings, a government aide, travelled 260 miles to the home of relatives during lockdown, while displaying coronavirus symptoms, but that’s fine because he says it is.
‘This was an essential trip within the recommended guidelines, if you lie slightly about what happened and pretend the guidelines were different to those that were repeatedly given to the public,’ explained Cummings’ chief spokesman, Boris Johnson. ‘For this reason Dominic tells me that no disciplinary proceedings of any kind are required, and he certainly won’t be firing himself. Sorry, I mean I won’t be firing him. The rest of you horrible oiks should continue to do as you’re told, though, because you don’t run the country.’