Government creates official list of things that measure about two metres


To help any people who have difficulty envisaging the social distancing limit of two metres, the government has previously advised them to imagine
one bed, two benches, three fridges (two, if Boris Johnson is inside one of them) or four chairs. Following complaints that this is too banal for some people, the following have also been officially listed as acceptable units of measurement:

– Three times Boris’s ejaculation range when playing the biscuit game
– A Narwhal tusk
– All the redacted evidence from the Jennifer Arcuri case in 11 point Arial
– Boris’s combined wedding certificates glued end to end
– Boris’s nose if he had been made out of wood by Geppetto
– Hugh Pym
– One quarter of the turning circle of a Triumph Herald
– Half the length of Priti Patel’s smirk
– One civet plus three bats and two pangolins
– One tenth of the distance that’s the closest Boris has come to a dirty nappy
– Twice the distance between two Premiership footballers spit-roasting a gullible teenager in a Premier Inn
– 1/180,0000 the size of Wales

Hat tips O’Shaughnessy, Sydald, dominic_mcg, throngsman, Oxbridge, Steve B

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Posted: May 24th, 2020 by

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