The government has announced that because the elderly cannot estimate a distance of two metres accurately by eye they will have to start wearing specially modified coats and cardigans that include a one-metre circumference bamboo hoop sewn into the hem. [read...]
Dominic Cummings, arch-Druid to the Cabinet, has emerged carrying the entrails of a chicken and told Britain that only a human sacrifice can end this plague. The chosen victim, who will be ceremonially washed by virgins before being dressed in a simple linen robe and immersed in Lindow Moss in Cheshire before having her throat… [read...]
‘They were tying to nick his chips, and Dominic was getting really angry with them for not social distancing.’ Claims a local man from Blackpool who did not wish to be identified for fear of being asked to work for Mr Cummings. [read...]
