Dominic Cummings, arch-Druid to the Cabinet, has emerged carrying the entrails of a chicken and told Britain that only a human sacrifice can end this plague. The chosen victim, who will be ceremonially washed by virgins before being dressed in a simple linen robe and immersed in Lindow Moss in Cheshire before having her throat slit with a bronze knife by Cumming himself is Dame Judi Dench, the number 1 ‘National Treasure’ as voted for by readers of Take a Break magazine.
‘Take a Break is unbelievably influential in government circles,’ said an anonymous source. ‘You’d think they’d pay a little more attention to The British Medical Journal or Nature, but Dominic insists that we read it each week. He says it’s full of coded messages from the ancients.’ Added the Editor of Take a Break: ‘Evil hubby LAUGHED as he forced me to watch my children being EVISCERATED while bonking my BEST FRIEND’.