“I saw Dominic Cummings telling seagulls to f**k off!” says Blackpool man


‘They were tying to nick his chips, and Dominic was getting really angry with them for not social distancing.’ Claims a local man from Blackpool who did not wish to be identified for fear of being asked to work for Mr Cummings.

The incident appears to be yet another example of the Prime Minister’s Chief Thought Provider breaking his own lockdown restrictions whilst having symptoms of Covid-19, alongside allegedly: two other sightings in Durham, one in the Maldives and one in the Vatican City where it’s believed he went to inspect the throne for his next job.

Travelling 260 miles* to self-isolate with close family would most likely put a dent in the government’s flagship target for not appearing to issue contradictory public advice, and should surely illicit a resignation, or worse, defection to Change UK.

However, Downing Street have stated the government’s chief ventriloquist remains fairly reluctant to sack his parents, despite their misdemeanour in violating lockdown restrictions by allowing their son into their home knowing he was a health risk, and had coronavirus.

The controversial chief aide, when questioned over the incident claimed he acted ‘reasonably and legally’ and ‘did only what any good Tony Blair would do’.

Despite the backing of cabinet ministers updated with statements of supine support for their shadow leader, a growing number of Tory MPs are calling for Mr Cummings to resign. Local man gave his own opinion: “What has he done for this country, anyway? Captain Tom walked up and down his garden and raised £33 million for the NHS. Dominic Cummings travelled 260 miles and didn’t raise a single penny. He has to go.”

*Since the wiring of this article the Department of Business, Innovation and Skills under the Weights and Measures Act 1985 now officially recognises the unit of distance equivalent to ten marathons as a ‘Pinocchio’s nose’.

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Posted: May 25th, 2020 by

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