It is every householder’s number seventeen priority: find a marginally cheaper energy supplier.
Freed up by weeks of lockdown and concerned about Philip’s spiralling whisky expenditure the Queen has finally succumbed and stayed on the line so that Darren, in a call centre in Swansea, can find her cheapest supplier.
“One can’t believe one didn’t do this sooner”, Her Majesty told staff at Sandringham, one of her seven huge properties. “The heating bills for this place are fucking astronomical”.
Prince Philip is understood to be ‘furious’ that the Queen didn’t do this years ago, when he first suggested it. “He’s throwing stuff around, slamming doors, the works” said a manservant (not a euphemism). “Some of it’s the daytime drinking, obviously, but he’s clearly very frustrated with her. Keeps calling her a moody cow. Apparently, if she’d signed up when he first said they’d have saved up enough for a nice holiday by now”.
Palace staff have been instructed not to mention the property insurance, which hasn’t been reviewed since the 1970s.